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By mmichelle, 2010/08/09 07:00

1. THE LION IS 29 TODAY!!!  DRINKS ALL AROUND!!!

2. Four hours today for four hours tomorrow… I love my job!

3. Why is he always slow when I’m late?

4. All academically advised and registered.  Come on fall semester… I’m ready for ya!

5. Made it to work early today to make up for making to work late yesterday… That’s what’s up!

6. Some of these drivers are really, really sweet.  I love my job!

7. My first Saturday working wasn’t bad at all.  A little more “crazy” than usual, but still not bad. *lol*

8. Barcardi Gold shots to make up for not having top shelf LIIT’s on the actual birthday… That’s what’s up!

9. I can not believe the news I just got out of Detroit.  Time to take another shot.

10. Once again… Life is all about choices, intentions and declaration.  I must remember to remember that.

11. Hair Blog updated… CHECK!

12. Blog Blog updated… CHECK CHECK!

13. If your boyfriend doesn’t have a girlfriend, is he really your boyfriend?

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*NOTE: The Baker’s Dozen was developed from a meme for a Vox Group by JustSayKB.  The object is, come up with 12 thoughts/quotes/link/whatever and one photo (it can be one that you take personally or a Net find) that best describes your weekend.  I’ve expanded it to 13 to represent a true baker’s dozen, but that’s just cause I’m anal about stuff like that. *lol*

Blessed Be…

M. Michelle, who has taken the good with the bad and rolled with each punch, and is delighted that it’s all paying off now

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By mmichelle, 2010/08/08 10:27

Yes, I know it’s been awhile.  Again.  Just haven’t felt much like updating or social commentating much. *kanye shrug* After losing the job assignment last May and flunking out of my first semester at CSCC I pretty much took a “time out” of mind to assess a few things and really didn’t want to share outside of my circle.  In summary, although I still held the same views on working and school as I did back then, I felt kinda down because here I am, seven months from 37 and closing in on a year from leaving Detroit in search of a better, more stable life, and yet I really had nothing to show for it.  To be honest, it wasn’t as much as me having nothing to show as it was knowing I played the direct catalyst in my “failure” to have anything to show for it all.  Although I’ve always been the type of person who’s embraced accountability, there was something in this particular set of circumstances that pulled me by the ear and made me truly look in the mirror of  hindsight and take stock of reality.  In a very real way, all the plans I’d designed were falling down around me and for the first time I actually saw myself in the process of their deconstruction.  So yeah, I had to sit back for a minute, be semi still in order to figure some things out for real for real, and writing/Blogging was not a part of the process.

Well here I am three months later and it seems stepping away has had its benefits.  I’ve come to absolute terms with a lot of aspects of myself.  Seems the part of the life process that I’d lost was the point that my success and failure depends on what I allow or disallow, and for this last year I’ve been allowing external perceptions and concepts to shape my circumstances because it was safe.  But accepted safety is only satisfying for so long when you have obligations, wants and needs that can only be fulfilled by self.  It had become time for me to pick a side again… sink or swim.  I could “waste” time and energy mulling over all the unfair contradictions that run counter to my nature or I could once again take the helm as Creatrix of my Universe and push on.  I chose the latter, of course, but first I had to make myself stop depending on the varied opinions of others and rebuild with my very own bricks and mortar.  I needed to stop giving a damn what people thought about me not being in residence with my children, no matter how much I cared about them (the people with the opinions, not the children).  I needed to stop caring about the reasons everyone else pursued their degree and what they would think of me when I attained mine.  And lastly, I needed to stop listening to other’s views on employment and relationships which basically advised me to settle for whatever seemed like it would sustain me.  In short… I needed to remember I AM a Goddess and the only thing standing between me and the life I want is ME!  So it was time to start manifesting, and that’s what I did.

As it stands now, I have been employed in a temporary position for one month and one day as of this posting, and the conditions surrounding this assignment are divine and exactly what I’d prayed for: close to home, great pay, great coworkers and compassionate supervisors.   The job actually found me a couple of days after I decided to get back on my Goddess ish, if you can believe that.  To make things even sweeter, in the course of my time there a permanent position opened up for which I applied, interviewed and was offered the job in a three day time span!  So that’s one brick in place and it’s a job I can actually see myself sticking with for the long haul.  As for the next brick, on September 22nd I’ll begin my second semester (or first semester reloaded, as it were) at school after having discussed my direction with an academic advisor and I can realistically see that AA transfer degree materializing before my eyes… for my own purposes.  I very well may do nothing with my degree beyond using the knowledge gathered to better interact with and understand people on a personal basis, but at least it will be my reasons that inspire me and not someone else’s.  I’ve got my head back into the writing game and things have even looked up in the relationship department, but that’s another post for another day. *lol*

So yeah, things are looking a whole lot better for me than they were just a couple of months ago and I have nothing but my change in perception to thank for it.  Now, to sustain this perception and continue to build towards that picture I painted of my life many, many years ago.  I’m sure I can do it now that I remembered how to.

Blessed be…

M. Michelle

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By mmichelle, 2010/06/15 13:20

I’ve always seen myself as the mother of sons, even before I started having children.  Because I struggled so much with the double standard attached to being female, and I related so much better to the masculine principle, I knew I could handle the rough and tumble nature that comes with the son territory. But but when it came to teaching my girl child how to be a woman according to society standards, I never felt competent enough.  Of course this was back in the days when I was paying more attention to what “they” thought being a woman was about: being dainty, fragile, weak, humble and emotionally unstable.  Luckily though, the Universe knew better and made arrangements for me to have my Adah first so that I could learn, for her sake and my own, that the definition of woman is much more varied and dynamic than what “they” say, and each girl’s road to the discovery and appreciation of her femininity can’t be determined by example.  She has to define her role herself.

From the moment I learned of my second pregnancy I knew in my heart of hearts I was carrying a son, which of course delighted me tremendously.  I was even more delighted when he made his arrival six days before my eighteenth birthday which gave me the double honour of being his mother and his zodialogical suite mate!  How’s that for answered prayers? *lol*  Additionally my prayers were answered two more times with two more sons following the first, but it was indeed my Taro who was to be my positive addition to the male populous.  This is not to say I did not put as much time and attention to my Jiro and Saburo, but ask any parent… There’s something about that first that takes a big piece of your spirit in their tiny little hands and becomes a big part of the force that raises you.  This is how it was with both my daughter and first son.

A couple months ago I suffered through a bout of anxiety but couldn’t put my finger on an immediate source for the distraction.  Usually when this happens it’s due to an upset suffered by someone close to me so I called and texted around to make sure everyone was alright.  Taro returned my texts with texts of his own, filled with curious questions about my concern.  Although he said he was fine, his inquiry let me know it was him but because I allow my children to come to me with issues when they are ready I didn’t pry.  Well shortly after my anxiousness subsided I received a call from Taro which confirmed my suspicion that he was troubled.  Of course my idea of his trouble was totally different than what was going on in reality (thank G_d!), but it was still one that I was at a loss to handle.

In less than six months my oldest son will legally, and chronologically, be considered an adult and it appears he’s having a bit of an issue grasping the ramifications of that.  Well, not exactly issues as much as coming to grips with what it all means.  While I’ve always known this moment would come it took me by surprise that it would come so “quickly”, leading me to try and field the question of what it means to be a man.  I’ve always thumbed my nose at the popular opinion that a woman is incapable of raising a boy to be a man, because in terms of my son being an upstanding and responsible citizen I’m sure no one would argue that I’ve accomplished that.  But in helping him to determine how he’d fit the bill of manhood I have to admit… I’m at a loss.  Not because I don’t know what it’s like to be a man.  No, that’s of very little consequence when you really think about it.  I’m at a loss because I realize the idea of “man” is largely determined by the very thing that determines all other titles; perception.  Don’t believe me?  Just ask five different people what a man is.  I bet you dollars to donuts you’ll get five different definitions, or at the most, five similar definitions with two or three differing elements.  This is because we each have our own ideal of what a man is to us, based on example, personal desires and certain constants in our environment that have supported that perception.  Of course we’ll all agree that part of what makes a man is his ability to care for himself and take responsibility for his actions, but that’s more or less a trait relegated to adults of either gender, not just men alone.  So in realizing this, this issue was a toughie because I did not want to pass on my assessment as if it were law seeing as what I think a man is could possibly be something totally different than what my Taro is capable of fulfilling.  Far be it for me to “burden” him with trying to become “his mother’s man” instead of his own because I’m not the one who has to walk his life.  Especially with him being over two thousand miles away.

As I listened to my first born son relay the relative points of his query my heart went out to him, and to myself as well, when I wondered over the examples of manhood we’ve encountered in our lives.  While I won’t say they’ve been less than exemplary in their own right I can say they aren’t ones I’d like to see my own son mimicking.  Very few of the “men”  we know (black, white or other) own their own houses, are family oriented, fully support the children they’ve fathered (while living with them or not), have pursued academic advancement, retained viable employment to support themselves independently, are in stable love relationships or without addiction/criminal history.  This is not to say that these male specimens are bad people, but if we’re going on the societal standard of what makes a good man they kinda fall short.  But is that standard a true measure of manhood?  Is homeownership necessary to be a man?  While supporting offspring is a positive attribute and shows a certain sense of pride in responsibility, aren’t these things more of expectations based on environment than character traits of a good man (there are some Eastern civilizations which practice walking or visiting marriage where the father’s direct involvement in the life of his offspring is nonexistent or minimal as a rule, and the children do just fine)?  There are so many exceptions to the rule based on your slant in comprehension of what’s acceptable that there’s no way one “manhood” suit could possible fit every member of the male species.  At best, the goal is to become and “upstanding” citizen, based on the laws and moral code of your specific geographical location, and leave the rest to individual interpretation.

So as I sat and listened and felt it occurred to me that the best bit of guidance I could give my son was pretty much the same advice I gave my daughter… You have to define that role for yourself.  Neither I nor his father, or any other adult whose authority he finds himself under at any give time, can rightly decide for him. He’s free to use examples from other male’s behaviour but it’s still going to take applying his own flavour to those traits to design his own brand of manliness.  For the most part I know I have raised Taro to make good decisions and to govern himself civilly, so there’s no question in my mind that he will make a decent man of himself.  So far he’s beat a lot of the statistics aimed at pigeonholing young Black males in today’s society.  He’s baby and criminal record free and still pursuing academic advancement despite a few setbacks.  He’s made a few choices I personally frown at but his track record when it comes to responsibility for his actions is stellar so I’m convinced he’s where he needs to be and poised to progress.  As long as he remains mindful that he is in control of the type of man he is to be, he’ll be aiight and I will continue to be proud of him.

Blessed Be…

M. Michelle

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By mmichelle, 2010/06/05 11:43

I have listened to your incessant insistence that I’m willful, stubborn and all around “no good” for way too long.  I have heard all the stories and listened to all the negative feedback that peg me as difficult for difficulty’s sake, and even sat back and taken being called out of the name my father gave me because it just so happened I wanted a different life than the one you felt better suited me.  I’ve done all of this because I thought it was what I had to put up to honour the fact that you gave birth to and subsequently raised me.  I’ve put up with your less than average perception of me, and even adopted it by proxy, because “they” told me as your child I was just supposed to.  You’re my mother and mother’s know best, right?  Can’t say that I’ve put up with all of this in a quiet, wallflower sort of way.  I will agree with you, I can be quite the hell raiser and I exhibit way more than my fair share of stubborn defiance depending on the situation (blame the horse; the human side is always willing to “go along to get along” *lol*).  So on that point we see eye to eye… I am way more than a notion to deal with.  Both my husband’s can attest to that.

However, where we differ is in the realization that unlike most, I have never been the type of person to be difficult just for shits and giggles.  I don’t live to make anyone’s life miserable despite what you might think.  If I’m in opposition of something, or just plan acting out, it’s due to a stimulus, and more than not, the stimulus in our relationship has been your inability to accept me for who I am and guide me forward into the fullness of that state.  My entire life with you has seemed to be a struggle of wills between needed personal expression and you telling me how I should do so, then being mad at me when I didn’t do it your way.  Another aspect of our contention seems to be your inability to release certain of my unfavourable life choices from decades ago (two to be specific) that you feel were personal attacks on your parenting efforts.  I guess I can excuse this for years zero to possibly twenty-five seeing as it’s difficult for parents to relinquish their wants for their children or a parenting style that had been in operation for decades (I know this first hand in dealing with becoming a grandmother at 35), and it is also hard not to take it to heart when your children make choices that go against the grain of how you raised them.  But now that I’m looking forty the face and have become a parent to two of my own adult children the time has come for me to break this habit for you, since it seems difficult for you to do on your own.  Or better put, it’s time for me to detach myself from it since I know I can’t change the type of person you are. 

Please, try not to take this too personally.  This action doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect you or that you’re a bad person.  Fact of the matter is you’re a terrific person and I have always recognized that as a mother you’ve done the best you know how with the resources you felt would work best.  You haven’t been perfect, but in the game of motherhood I think perfection is a mythical as the Unicorn and the Clyclops.  The circumstances you were working with weren’t the best but you made do, and as a result you managed to raise two relatively decent adults.  There are some things you might could have done differently but considering I had a childhood that was better than a lot of my cohorts and a pretty good life as an adult, I can’t say your efforts were all that bad in retrospect.  But beyond all that, there is an aspect of your personality and present mindset that I can no longer deal with because it’s toxic to me and I find myself unable to not allow it to impede certain progress in my life.  It seems every time I find myself coming to you for counsel I am reminded of not so pleasant situations that happened when I was 12 or questionable choices that occurred when I was 16, and how those elements have screwed up my life, or the life of my children, in the here and now.  Hardly ever a mention of any positives, very few nods to any growth, almost no kudos to the more affirmative choices I’ve made along the way, just constant reminders of my past divergences.  And it seems to always come on the heels of me pulling myself out of a depressive state that evolved because I was beating up on myself for those things.  Suffice it to say, it’s just more than I can take and not at all what I need in my relationship with my mother, of all people.

Do not take this “letter” to mean I’m blaming you for making me feel bad because I know I’m in control of my reaction to whatever perspective you present to me.  You are only being you and I seriously doubt you’re doing any of this deliberately.  Well maybe on a subconscious level you are, but even that can’t be taken personally because other people’s feelings aren’t reflections of who I am.  They’re just that person’s personal opinion.  You have a right to your opinions, even if they are off the mark.  But just like with my father, the other side of that coin is, I have the right not to deal with you if your personal opinions are so off the mark I’m continuously pegged as “the bad guy”, and you refuse to let go of those opinions after I’ve proven I’m not.  I’m not perfect and never claimed to be.  I’ve made mistakes just like every other human.  There have been many a choice that has made me question both my sanity and grasp of “reality” just like every other human.  I’ve suffered setbacks and  not made the most of opportunities here and there, just like every other human.  But also, just like every other human, I’ve spent the majority of my life attempting to be the best me I can be and despite my foibles I’ve pressed on and made steps to do and be better.  I deserve credit for that don’t I?  Realistically speaking, you don’t have to give it to me but then that means I have a choice to make.  Do I continue to put up with your refusal to see me as anything other than stubborn, spiteful screw up, or do I take a stand that’s guaranteed to be better for me mentally and emotionally and just not deal with you until you decided to change?  As much as it pains me to do this, I think I’m going to have to take the latter option.  It’s less stressful than having to constantly be on guard against digs from you.

It’s taken me awhile to get to the point of realizing that all things being equal, I really don’t have to have a relationship with you if that relationship does me more harm than good.  While I realize we are not going to always agree when it comes to aspects of my life because we have different POV’s on how things should be handled, I am refusing to be made to feel as if I am evil incarnate simply because we have a difference of opinion or I dare to think/act according to my own whims.  You raised me to be an individual and I refuse to be persecuted because I’m living as such.  I don’t accept that from anyone I encounter in life, and I really don’t feel I should have to accept it from you simply because you’re my mother.  Consequently, I would think I should expect you to be the exception by which I base all of my relationships on and that the treatment I receive from you should be far and away better than that of the average Joe.  Unfortunately this is not the case, and for my own health and safety I have to pull away.  It’s for my own good, and maybe for yours as well.

Know that I will always love you, and I will forever be grateful that you made the sacrifice to bring me into the world and raise me to the best of your ability.  I have always been proud of your accomplishments and progress as a person, even if I didn’t personally agree with them, and there are many aspect of your make up that I envy and oftentimes wish to duplicate.  However, you raised me to recognize when it’s time to walk way from a situation that is draining me more than it works to edify me, and I try to put that discernment into practice as regularly as I can.  Too bad that in this time of my life it has to be used against you.

Love always,

Angela Michelle

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By mmichelle, 2010/05/24 08:00

Okay so, I wasn’t going to touch on the whole “single Black woman” hype that seems to have the become a media darling topic over the past few years because… Well, because I think it’s dumb.  No, I don’t think single Black women are dumb or that being single, no matter what ethnicity you are, is dumb.  What I think is dumb is the fascination with, and blanket speculation on, the Black women’s romantic plight as if “we” are the only women on the face of the Earth that can’t get men.  What’s even dumber is the fact that popular media seems to delight in parading the most disconnected panel “experts” on their talk shows in attempts to “get to the bottom” of why Black women are such failures in the relationship department, most of which aren’t batting a thousand when it comes to love their damn selves (yeah, I’m looking at you, Mr. Harvey).  And assuming that a handful of Black women definitively answer for all of us makes it even stupider still!  But, being that I’m a Black woman who really hasn’t been single without companionship for any particularly long period in my life, I can’t really speak on the matter too much one way or the other, right? 

Well anywho, the other day one of my Wonder Twins posted a link Facebook to an article about the “new” trend of women marrying men who make less money than them.  My initial comment was “i can’t… i want to but… i just *walks away*”, basically because I wanted to read and comment but passed because I’m tired of this being such a hot topic.  If if the spotlight isn’t shining on why “we” can’t get men it’s about “us” settling for less of a man than society deems “we” deserve, which is subliminally what this article was hinting at if you ask me.  So I commented and left it at that.  But Facebook being the social networking dynamo that it is, I was alerted to another comment by one of WT’s friends that stated, “Hmmm this is why black women need to step outside the box!”  My immediate thought was, “Err… what?” because I took the response to mean if Black women “want” to marry men who make more than “us” we need to start dipping into other racial pools.  That, of course, rubbed me the wrong way, but instead of challenging the opinion I asked for clarification, just to make sure I hadn’t misinterpreted her meaning.  Turns out I was “wrong” (note the quotes).  What she stated she meant was “we” needed to step out of the box and date more than just Black men in general.  Okay.  I guess I can get that, but using the central context clue from the title and considering the actual study did not specify the ethnicity of women marrying men who make less than them… I still think my preliminary assessment was correct. *kanye shrug*

NOTE: The linked article was in Essence.com but several other non-ethnic publications such as CNN had reported on the study as well. 

After posing my question and receiving an answer, I admitted to WT and her friend that I had not read the article myself, explained how I drew my conclusion, then left the conversation alone.  But the concept still nagged at me incessantly.   First off, if marriage is supposed to be about love and commitment and a vow before G_d then what’s a paycheck got to do with it?  Secondly, why is it that men of other races who weren’t “good” enough to date on GP are now all of the sudden good enough to date because they possibly make more than some eligible brothers?  And lastly, though most importantly in my opinion, in this day and age when women are insisting they be considering outside of the traditional gender role of wife and homemaker, why are they still expecting men to fit into the traditional gender role of main breadwinner?  I could see, to a certain extent, not wanting to marry someone who is on a lower academic level, which the study hit on too, because in many ways the relatable points will be few (although there are many men who aren’t “educated” who can match wits with a lot of you sistahs that are).  But holding off on potential happiness simply because the man in question makes a little less than you, or feeling you have to date outside your race in order to land one who does… I just can’t.

Traditionally it was expected for the husband to make more than his “help meet” because the way marriage was set up he was responsible for making sure his wife and children were provided for in the event of his death.  Also, because the wife was expected to be the primary caregiver of the children, the husband’s income being larger was able to supplement the times when the wife needed to take off, or not work, in order to be there for the children.  But times have changed from when this set up was the standard.  Women are striving for independence and putting off motherhood until later in life in order to attain degrees and start careers.  They are breaking out of the antiquated expectations of what a woman is supposed to be and do in a marriage, which is a beautiful thing.  But in the same vein, isn’t it a bit unfair to expect men to remain in the roles reserved for them since the 1950’s no matter how society changes.  Call me crazy but I think that if you’re not willing to slap on an apron and spend the majority of your time being Donna Cleaver, then you shouldn’t expect a man to bring in more bacon because that’s what society says he should do.  Or maybe I’m being a bit too simplistic.

Okay so, we all desire provision and security or to have a partner who can pick up the slack in case something happens to us, but when it comes to relationship fulfillment why does it seem why are so many women inflexible on this issue?  Sure we all have our preferences when it comes to the dating game but if your preferences keeps you behind that single line  then maybe you need a little something new.  Of course I see nothing wrong with dating outside of your racial/cultural “box” because love comes in all colours, but I do see something ill in doing so to ensure you land a man with a larger income.  If respect, compassion, the willingness to work with you and paycheck is present on a level that meets both of your financial needs,  why should it really matter if his net (or gross, for that matter) is less than yours?  Besides, we’re supposed to be strong, independent women who don’t need no mother’s son to take care of us, right?

I do agree with WT’s friend that many of “us” do indeed need to step out of the box if singlehood is a major concern. Maybe a few items on our “must have” list needs to be relaxed to allow ourselves to see the options we maybe over looking.  Perhaps the happiness you seek comes attached with a few less zeroes in the bank account if the elements that really matter are present.  This is not to say you need to take that fry cook up on his invitation to the movies if you’re pulling six figures just for the sake of having a man.  But stop selling yourself short, or finally deciding to widen your ethnic options, trying to land a corporate counterpart when there’s possibly a perfectly suitable blue collar choice ready to treat you like a queen.

Just my buck fiddy,

M. Michelle

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By mmichelle, 2010/05/11 08:40

Ever sit around one day and contemplate all the contradictions that governing our life activity?  I do, all the time.  Probably a little too much at times, honestly.  So much so at times that it causes me to stall when deciding exactly what lane I’m going to stay in for any length of time.  Like for instance the whole discrimination and prejudice thing.  We all agree that those are both relatively bad things when they are placed upon situations and gross injustice is the undeniable end result.  But have you ever stopped to look at just how many times in a day you actually engage in the practices of discrimination or prejudice in any given 24 hour period?  Of course when we see those words nine times outta ten we draw lines for those behaviours that regulate them to strictly being against a certain race, culture, spiritual practice or gender, so oftentimes we miss the little nuances like not dealing with a brotha cause he has the “wrong” type of shoes or occupation, or throwing shade on a sistah cause she still chooses to chemically straighten her hair.  Of course, we don’t consider those acts of discrimination or prejudice.  We deem those “preferences” for what we choose to include in our lives and personally deal with.  Nothing wrong with having those, right?  I guess not if those “preferences” aren’t prefaced by some sort of negative connotation which leaves you closed minded to the other side of the coin.

That’s just one example, but there are plenty more but I’m working with a short amount of time (only sixty more years at the most, maybe) so I won’t bother detailing all the ones that come to mind.

Whenever I’m faced with a choice in my life I always find myself weighing the reasons why I should go one way or the other, as is normal for most I would assume.  But then when I arrive at a decision on what to do, I always find myself looking at how that choice will affect those around me, the real motivation behind making such a decision and whether it’s in line with what I really feel I should be doing.  And this is where the stall comes in.  I’ve become prone to pulling apart my reasons for doing any one thing since I despise hypocrisy so much, just to make sure I’m doing something that is of my own choosing and not just following the crowd or tradition.  So I study my own behaviours closely and try my darndest to trace their origin then ask myself if I’d be making such a choice had that specific initial impetus or influence (namely one of my parents, children, and significant other or friend) not been there.  Usually the answer is yes since I mostly only move when I’m authentically inspired to.  But there are those times when I have to check myself because I realize my choice is based on gaining a certain impression from an external source.  While at times there is absosmurfly  nothing wrong with that, since we live in a world where your success if largely based on interpersonal relationships for which positive esteem is the oil on which they operate.  I’m always careful to note whether I am making a choice solely based on gaining the positive opinion of another by placing myself in a position I’d rather not be in otherwise, or if I’m gaining the positive opinion of another by placing myself in a personally favourable position.  In short, before I make a move I’m always questioning whether I’m moving because I want to or because such and such thinks I should.

My most recent bout with this have concerned my work/school dynamic and the reasons I choose to engage in either.  At my very foundation I can not stand the set up of either corporate America or our country’s academic model because they both kill the individual and set us into a Borg-like state of being.  There are certain rules and regulations that can not be stretched or bent to accommodate each person’s abilities (or lack thereof) on a case by case basis so everyone is “forced” to conform to a standard.  But on the other hand, with our society being set up the way it is, I can see the reasons why work and school are important elements.  You have to pay bills, right?  So employment is vital.  With technology (and the cost of living) moving almost at the speed of sound, once you get that job you want to stay competitive so that you earn more, and education is the best bet to make sure that you are, right?  But in the aspect that everyone is an individual, as we are told over and over and over, who says I need to sit in a classroom for two to five hours in order to learn, or turn in thus amount of course work based on a point system to earn a passing grade?  Who says I need to sit in an office for eight hours to prove competency or competitiveness in my chosen field?  I know for sure I’m smarter than your average bear by my own merits when it comes to certain subject matters, so who says I should have to prove it using someone else’s methodology?  Society?  Hmmm… Good answer but… Don’t we make society?

Another set of contradictions that boggles my mind is, in being so “involved” in the natural hair community I notice everyone speaking on the freedom “going natural” has granted them.  Then in the same breath many natural proponents seek to clamp rules and regulations on what is natural and what isn’t or attempt to definitively answer what it means when women still choose to perm their hair.  Seems a bit contradictory to have taken this journey because you wanted to be able to wear your tresses how you desire then turn around and try to tell someone else what to do with theirs.  I’m just saying.  And racially, why do many feel need to make sanctions for people who look like then, then frown on other colours when they repeat the same actions?  And there are always explanations to support the hypocrisy, such as “do as I say not as I do”, which is the mother of all contradictions, in my opinion.

Basically I’m seeking to find a way around caring about the other side of the coin so that I can choose based on my own reasons, and not what anyone else will say, how anyone else will feel or the external motions my choice will set in action yet not directly affect me.  I’m trying to discover a mode of operation that resists the personal contradictions and pays  no real mind to the global ones unless they touch my sphere, so that way I can honestly say  my choices are my own. To define the line between exception and contradiction, if you will, and discover a place in life where I’m not seeing streams of thought that positively include and negatively exclude me, or anyone else for that matter, at the same time.

Just Rambling…

M. Michelle

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By mmichelle, 2010/05/07 22:20

Wow!  Seems like forever since I last updated this joint. *blows dust off of surfaces and coughs*  Not that anyone seems to be checking for entries anyway.  But I guess since I paid for the domain and am “renting” Webspace it’s only logical to peek in and drop a line every now and again.

So what’s new?  Well I started school, which would be a wonderful thing except I started a “real” work assignment within that same week, which caused my attendance and class assignments to suffer horribly.  The job assignment was set for three months and was with a prominent employer who offered oodles of perks, a great work environment and the slight possibility of being hired in.  Most of you are adept enough to realize that by using the linking verb “was” I am inferring that I am no longer there.  Why, you ask, since for the past year I’ve been itching to get my big toe in the employment pool and finally scratch out a little space of self reliance?  Well since I’ve never really been a bullshitter when it comes to my intentions and motivations I will give it to you straight and say I just wasn’t feeling it. *kanye shrug* Yes, you read that right.  In an economy that’s boasting a nationwide unemployment rate of 9.9% it may seem a bit impractical and ungrateful for me to let slip away something people all over the country would kill to have.  Well, never once did I ever claim to be practical.  I think my life story is proof that me and practicality are like oil and water. *lol* Well while the money was decent (not at all what my level of experience is worth but it was a paycheck nonetheless) and the atmosphere was inspiring, that fact that it was causing me to mess up a long awaited goal was a little bit more than I could swallow.  At over halfway into the semester I think I rank in at a D average in all three of my classes (one of which I have yet to make a grade in at all) because the eight hour schedule on top of thirteen hours worth of lecture and twenty six hours worth of study just weren’t cutting it.  Perhaps if I had started one or the other a week or two weeks beforehand I would have been more prepared schedule-wise, but that’s not what happened.  Of course losing the job was not “intentional” in the since that I offered a resignation along with my reasons for leaving.  Naw, I called in one too many times and on the last one they decided it was best that we go our separate ways.  I understood, even though it gut checked me hard because I’d sketched out so many plans which depended on a paycheck to come to fruition.  But I sucked it up and let it go.  No use beating myself up about it now, as The Lion said.

Looking back, as I have a tendency to do whether I succeed or fail at something, I can see the point most others would make about my actions being irresponsible considering all the things I need to be responsible for, given my life situation.  I have children to support, I have a car that needs a’fixing, clothes that need a’washing and shoes that need a’mending… Oh… Sorry bout that.  Slipped into a Colour Purple revelry, my bad.  At any rate, the unfrosted side of me realizes this move may have not been the “smartest” and now puts me back at the starting line, but in the same instance the frosted side of me had to look at what was really important to me in the long run.  School and creative fulfillment won out without as much as a cursory glance.  Of course I know I’ll need some kinda of income coming in for incidentals and bills and what not so I’ll still be on the look out for a part-time gig that won’t compromise my studies and writing (doing pretty good over at Examiner.com.  You should check it out).  But when it comes to full-time employment accommodations, unless the hourly wage is $13 plus or it’s a position that offers me the opportunity to write for a steady paycheck… I think I’m going to have to take a zero.

Beyond that, life is pretty good. All the children, including the grand one, are doing well which fills me joyously.  The Lion and I are still as we were and that’s comforting.  I made amends with my dad on the heels of a tragic incident, and because of his initiative, so that makes me feel good.  I’m still smoking, which isn’t good news for business on any front, but at least I’m still alive to keep up the quitting efforts.  Things are going good over at the hair Blog, I’ve been offered a writing position with Going Natural Magazine and I’m once again getting the itch to write poetry, so the artsy part of my life is blossoming.  Uh… Oh!  A good friend from Detroit just moved here a couple weeks ago so now I have an true partner in crime to tool around the city with… once Bella gets fixed. *lol*  So all in all, I’m living.  Have a whole lotta things to Blog about but just pacing myself and watching the developments.

Well, enough about me.  How have you all been?  I’d really like to know.

Blessed Be…

M. Michelle

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By mmichelle, 2010/03/30 11:47

As usual I was “minding my own business” on Twitter one early morning (why do so many of my posts start that way? *lol*) when I saw a retweet of a tweet sent by the one and only Questlove stating “we” should be prepared for something ground breaking from the likes of Erykah Badu at something like three in the morning (paraphrase).  Of course I let it pass because I’m lukewarm about celebs on Twitter and I’m not an EB fan like that.  I mean, I love what I’ve heard of her music but I’m not a Stan enough to stay up till three in nobody’s morning to keep up with her latest and greatest.  Especially if I’m not being paid for it.  So I went to bed, knowing that my bevy of Twitter reporters would kite the news to me when I woke up, cause they’re good like that.

The next morning there really wasn’t any real mention as to what the “ground breaking thing Erykah did” was and quite honestly I didn’t think about it until I saw a tweet saying “@fatbellybella’s video says a lot about women and body images” (paraphrase).  That piqued my interest a bit, however since it was my official first day of school, I had to prepare an article for my Examiner column and a few updates to kick out on the JB2M Blog, I didn’t properly investigate.  But you know how the law of attraction works, right?  It seems from the moment my consciousness got an inkling of what this “ground breaking thing Erykah did” could be about, the Twitter floodgates opened up and drenched me.  So after, like, the five millionth hyper-excited tweet concerning the “ground breaking thing” in the span of two minutes (obvious exaggeration), I took a pause in my productivity to check it out.  To make sure I was unbiased in my perception of it, I turned off Tweetdeck while I watched and did not read any of the Youtube comments concerning the video.  Aiight… Music is good, I can vibe to it (typical Erykah track).  Okay… Lyrics are mellow and her voice is smooth, I’m digging it (typical Erykah track).  So far so good.  Walking down a Dallas street, specifically the one where President Baby Daddy in Potential Had I Been Alive Back Then was shot… I’m feeling a big of romantic nostalgia because I’m big on American Camelot Lore (in other words, my sensibilities are struck, typical Erykah ploy).  Uh… She’s stripping… I don’t get it but it’s Erykah, she’s a Pisces and prone to creative/artistic flights that most don’t get (typical Erykah video).  DAYUM!!!  Where she get all that ass from???  Now I see what got Andre3000 to wear those football shoulder things and had Common was walking around in crocheted pants! *lol*  Overall,I loved the song and I really liked the video but they seemed a bit mismatched in my opinion.  Well no, I got the correlation between the lyrics and her getting butt booty naked in the video, but the JFK/groupthink explanation wasn’t quite congealing with the other messages. *kanye shrug* Call me dense but at least I’m honest enough to let you know I didn’t get it.  To me those were not two great tastes that taste great together (not that the majority of music videos on the market match the lyrics of the song — what the hell was going on in “On to the Next One“, yo? — but I’m just saying) and it totally went over my head.

With all that being said I summed the buzz surrounding the video up to people being initially shocked about the stunt/social experiment (if it was an impromptu sorta thing like EB and Questo claim) and then shocked by Erykah‘s ballsy-ness (although I’m not sure why… woman been ballsy since “On and On”).  In that it was all good.  But what I really could not get was all the responses about the video being “art” or being “ground breaking” or being the best thing creatively since sliced bread, and when I said as much I was responded to with tweets that basically labeled me obtuse.  Even had one guy tell me to “go back to watching Spongebob” (direct quote).  Really.  Spongebob?  Is it that serious?  I mean, no shade to SB but I’m a Robot Chicken typa girl, yo.  Give me at least a modicum of maturity, B. *lol*  At any rate, these reactions caused me to uber bend the ear of the BFF to try and figure it all out, since she’s more well versed in Erykah than I am (music of that genre as a whole, actually).  She couldn’t figure it out either, much to my disappointment.  Neither could The Lion or Honey, for that matter.  Having run through my host of musical “experts” I walked away from the whole thing scratching my head and shrugging my shoulders, further convinced the world is going to hell in a handbasket for lack of individual streams of thought…  And still not getting it.  Naked woman on a public street?  Madonna did that in 1992 when she was promoting Sex.  A video referencing the JFK assassination?  Marilyn Mason did that in 1999 with Coma White.  Shooting a cohesive, “unscripted” one shot/one take?  Take a look at this HERE.   Of course kudos goes to Erykah for combining all those things, but even still, I’m just not getting “it” or the buzz surrounding “it”.

As a psychology major and a lifelong studier of the force behind human behaviour and thought, I am well acquainted with the “theory” of groupthink. If you’re a regular reader of this Blog then I’m quite sure you’ve recognized my random rantings about and against that particular stream of consciousness; the sheepish-like way most people (and even myself on rare occasion) jump on bandwagons without questioning the purpose behind a movement, or more importantly, why they are participating in it.  Thanks to my ever skeptical, ever questioning Archer sun, pioneering Ram ascendant and pensively penetrating Piscean moon I am the type of girl who has to have the 4 W’s and 1 H answered before I can subscribe to anything, because I don’t want to be the one holding the bag when the walls come crashing down around a “pop-thought” concept.  This is why most of my Blog posts run on the long-winded side, because I like to try present all sides of an issue to show I have done my homework before arriving at an opinionated conclusion.  If you’re gonna speak about something, speak about it in toto or don’t speak at all, right?   So in trying to understand the rage behind the “Window Seat” video I asked all the “right” questions — why wasn’t the buzz about the song this big when it first came out; what makes this song any different than any other EB track given airplay; what specifically made this video “art” beyond the the naked woman with a fat (phat) ass, smooth back drop music and mixed messages — and hoped someone would put it in terms I could understand.  Not agree with, mind you, but at least comprehend from another point of view.  For the most part I got superficial answers that amounted up to a big “Because… That’s why!”, and a few that tried to break the video itself down for me which I found rather insulting.  Be that as it may, I still didn’t get it, and I think the reason behind that is because in my opinion the reactions to the video seemed to exemplify what the message in the video was “condemning”.  Throw a likeable artist with a likeable song, the image of woman as woman, a deep, psychological concept and a poignant historic event against a wall and, most likely it’s gonna stick.  For those of you who love her like that, EB could come out with an album full of flatulence over  a kick ass Questlove drum beat and ya’ll would rush out to buy/download it without question, then “attack” those like me who don’t “get” the combination because we don’t see what the “majority” sees.  It’s the nature of the beat and a classic example of groupthink. Whyte and Jarvis would be proud of ya’ll!

RELATED/UNRELATED NOTE: How many people attributed the record sales of Sade‘s new release to the fact that we have not heard a peep from Sade in close to ten years and not to this release being a departure from what we have come to accept as the band’s style?  Think about it.

Conclusively, after watching the video at least fifteen different times, listening to the song on its own accord, reading the lyrics as suggested by a Twitter follower and refreshing myself on the concept of groupthink and all of its connotations, I am still proud to say I still don’t get it.  Oh  no, not the video itself.  It is what it is and I’m way past that. Not the “what makes this video art” part either because if the working definition of art is a work that provokes thought, an exchange of dialogue, a broadening of a perspective and/or connects with the individual interpreter on their level then “Window Seat” is indeed art. What I don’t get is how most missed the point that they got swept up in groupthink by a supposedly anti-groupthink message.  Not that it’s uncommon cause “we” do it way more often than most admit, and by “we” I mean “us”, and by “us” I’m sure “you people” know who I’m speaking of.  This is not to discredit groupthink, because it can be a positive thing that saves the lives of many species if not taken to the extreme (consider the flight response of a herd of impala when one is taken down by a lioness), or to demean those who loved the video on sight and responded to my “not getting it” hypercritically (although the Spongebob dude needs to buy a couple clues and a vowel).  In many respects everyone took from Erykah‘s vision what they personally are vibing on, whether it be fearlessness, personal evolution, individuality, freedom, women’s universal struggle or the fact that EB has a healthy case of steatopygia going on (I mean seriously… I wanna get on her workout plan… real talk).  This post is merely the observation that very few (an varying approximation based on the number of any given “whole” represented) ever look beyond what they are shown and question why they respond the way they do, even as they hypocritically condemn others for doing it.

Just my buck fiddy…

**ADDENDUM**

After seeing the impetus for the video (after realizing there was a real impetus for the video, which I did not know before because I had no clue who Matt and Kim were since I’m not into dance punk) I am even more affirmed in my assessment.  It wasn’t ground breaking when they did it either.

M. Michelle

*Author’s Note: Source and explanation links were purposely omitted from this Blog entry because she believes if you want to fully understand a concept, you will research it for yourself. </groupthink>

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By mmichelle, 2010/03/29 12:44

1. oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2. oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3. oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4. oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5. oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

7. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

8. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

9. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

10. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

11. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

12. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

13. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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*NOTE: The Baker’s Dozen was developed from a meme for a Vox Group by JustSayKB.  The object is, come up with 12 thoughts/quotes/link/whatever and one photo (it can be one that you take personally or a Net find) that best describes your weekend.  I’ve expanded it to 13 to represent a true baker’s dozen, but that’s just cause I’m anal about stuff like that. *lol*

Blessed Be…

M. Michelle, who missed The Lion something fierce but really enjoyed the peace and stillness of his weekend away

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By mmichelle, 2010/03/23 09:57

When I became pregnant at 16 there were many people who fed me stories about how “empty” my life would be with missing the whole teenager thing, the “traditional” high school experience and college life.  When I was  an unwed mother there were many people who lectured me endlessly about how “empty” my life would be without knowing the joys of matrimony.  When I finally did decide to marry and was planning the ceremonies, there was a whole host of people who were convinced that I’d be disappointed if I didn’t do everything according to the wedding etiquette letter.  Regrets, regrets and more regrets.  Seems to be for every situation in life there’s always someone standing on the sidelines waiting to sell you the idea that if you miss certain benchmark in life there will be a whole host of regrets to follow.  This idea always seems to be based on their experience (or asshole opinion) instead of our own, and  amazingly, we always seem to fall for it.  I wonder why that is.

At my core I’m really good with not fully experiencing my teenage years (they generally sucked thanks to my childhood), high school (I “hated” the whole clique-ish rank and file of it) and college life (an elevated version of high school most of us aren’t mentally or emotionally prepared for anyway).  But then I see some television show or movie that centers around those experiences and I’m a bundle of wishes that I hadn’t skipped those stations. When it comes to both my marriages — well, the second one for sure — I truly would have been perfectly fine with a simple courthouse ceremony followed by a week-long trip somewhere I’ve never been.  But then I see someone’s wedding pictures and beginning lamenting over all the nuances I missed when planning my “big day.”  At times this makes me wonder if I’m really as happy as I say I am with the decisions I’ve made in the past 36 years or just faking the funk to keep from sinking into the abyss of depression.

As I was watching John Singleton‘s “Higher Learning” the other day I was inspired to barrage The Lion with questions to see how closely his college experience resembled what was demonstrated on the television screen.  I asked about dorm life, the sorority/fraternity/student functions, the sporting events, the romances… The “Doin’ Da Butt” and toga parties (yes I know those were from other movies, but you get the gist).  Not surprisingly, The Lion had a different recollection of his four years at CSU that included those things but not on a silver screen accented scale.  Of course this might be because he went to a “smaller” school here in the Midwest or because he has a tendency for experiencing life without dramatic frills (I have no idea how he manages to do that considering Leos have a flair for histrionics). *kanye shrug* I dunno.  Anywho, as I said, his response was not at all surprising since I am well aware media life and real life are two totally different animals.  But growing up it was a bit difficult to draw the line between the two, and despite my “dislike” for many aspects of college life, I often suffered bouts of because I didn’t experience it first hand.  What’s funny is, it wasn’t until years later (like… when I turned 30)  that I realized the source of my compunction was not based on personal feelings.  My remorse was based on Spike‘s and John‘s and various other college graduates I know’s “idealized” college nostalgia.  How crazy is that?

Personally, because I try to stay in the present, I don’t spend a lot of time on personal regrets.  This stance also affects my sense of nostalgia.  It seems to me that nostalgia requires strategic posturing of memory that romanticizes the positive into far bigger points than what they originally were, which something I’m unable to do.  There is no way for me to gloss over the negative points I’ve lived through because to me I feel as if I’m not applying the full spectrum of my experience to my life.  Oh, there is many a moment that I look back on with extreme fondness (mostly the summers I spent in Canada), but none of which I wish to “wistfully return to”, which is the definition for nostalgia per Random House.  Part of the reason for this is when it comes to my life, I honestly lack a fantasy based imagination, so picturing myself in any other time other than right now is difficult.  Another reason is I keep a relatively full remembrance of both the good and bad of any given situation I’ve experienced, and even though that part of my child and young adulthood was better than most, there were still hurt-filled parts I never want to live through again.   But what’s weird though is, when it came to applying this ethic in considering the sentimental visions of others, even in situations I’ve never experienced , I often found it hard not to get swept up in their glowing revelries.

Now that I’m a little older and hopefully a little wiser, I have come to understand the basis of this phenomenon, which is really not an uncommon practice.  While it is hard for me to romanticize aspects of my own life because I am so unbiased on the negative and positive of it (unless I’ve had a few too many, of course… just ask The Lion), it is really easy for me to do it with the one-sided reflections of other’s because they are just that.  One-sided.  For all the beautiful weddings, wonderful marriages and glorious college life stories I encounter that pull at my sense of projected melancholy, there is equal stress, pain, heartache and disappointment behind the glamourous experiences.  The key point is, I don’t see those things, just the pretty end result.  When I looked at it that way I began to realized that had I been faced with the same set of behind the scenes circumstances, I probably would not have ended up at the same point as the person I’m who’s experiences I’m envying anyway.  So what was I really regretting?  An ideal?  Total waste of time and energy.  For example, when it comes to college, my personal performance history is a testament that had I managed to survive high school and entered a four year institution, I would not have lasted a full semester because I don’t care for the American education model.  As far as my weddings, it would have not mattered if I included every Martha Stewart sanctioned implement on the market, thirteen years later I only recall as much as I can gather from pictures, and both marriages ended in “failure.”  Of course there is  the possibility that things could have happened differently, but knowing me the way I do I also know the probability of such a thing is low.

While it’s lovely to look at another’s life, past or present tense, and appreciate the outcome or pleasant details of their experience, you should never allow their situations to make you regret not following a similar path.  Nine times out of ten the result of their experience that you  see are all dolled up and placed in the same position your outcome would be different anyway.  The key thing to remember is their experience is theirs, yours is yours, and neither is better or less than the other in the grand scheme of things.  On another note, one of the many lessons of the past year has served to remind me that the only missed opportunities in life are the ones that come after we die, and since I won’t be here to care what does it matter?  As long as I have breath in my lungs I have every chance to experience those things I “missed” early in life on my terms and at my time, so there’s no reason for me to by into the romanticized, “media” stylized versions presented on televisions, movies or in the stories of my friends.

Blessed Be…

M. Michelle